I keep hoping... I keep hitting the refresh button, refreshing the page to see and hope maybe there is a error or something.. an email of apology.... but it hurts even more, seeing it unchangeable... solid... and unfair yet deserving....
Guilt-stricken with self-doubt seeing disappointment and pity on other faces... Self-loathing and depressed... Realization hit, I need to quickly fact facts and resist threatening tears... Pull myself up and move forwards... Smile like nothing happened... Shield and pack it away in a box in my mind and throw away the key....
Only to return home to recover, break down and brawl like a baby in the comfort of only my self-pity and deepest fears...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Netball / dance
Hello! okay today was stressful! I was from 9 - 6 today. Then came back for just intome for dinner and then 7.45 went for a netball competition... Woohoo!!! We won and i sucked!!! woo hoo!!!! 24-8 - to us. Amazing right? the Goal Shooter was freaking amazing! Shot after shot was simply.. remarkable. Feel so small now... Turns out our 'friendly' match is actually a league thing... *gasp* meaning more games..
Dance yesterday was amazing. Fun but dizzy. Three times in a routine this time and it was horror for me today. No idea why. Give me the teacup spinner and i can deal with it. but this one, an hour and i still wasn't fine. it was like woa...disorientated...
About the timing. WHen i was in college waking at 6.30, bus at 7.15, then class only starts at 9.45.. (Good times.. good times..) here with all the funny timings and all, i can barely be awake and stuff.. damn it all to hell.
Oh, btw, i had slept at 3 yesterday.. hopefully, this keeps up... going to sleep now. it's 2 so i hope to be in bed soon. nite nite!
Dance yesterday was amazing. Fun but dizzy. Three times in a routine this time and it was horror for me today. No idea why. Give me the teacup spinner and i can deal with it. but this one, an hour and i still wasn't fine. it was like woa...disorientated...
About the timing. WHen i was in college waking at 6.30, bus at 7.15, then class only starts at 9.45.. (Good times.. good times..) here with all the funny timings and all, i can barely be awake and stuff.. damn it all to hell.
Oh, btw, i had slept at 3 yesterday.. hopefully, this keeps up... going to sleep now. it's 2 so i hope to be in bed soon. nite nite!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Happy Birthday Ohno Satoshi!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OHNO SATOSHI!!!!!
I do not own Arashi nor the picture. I am not distributing! I give full credit to the owner!
I do not own Arashi nor the picture. I am not distributing! I give full credit to the owner!
Durig fresher's week, i put my name down for loads of stuff, caving, hiking, rock climbing, etc. Haven't been going for much. But have been going for dance class, street dance. Doing the Boom Boom Pow song, from Fergie's part. damn song is close to stuck in my head. which i will be going for in a few hours time. Also, am in the hall's netball team. Playing a match tmr. People do sports at night over here. Only time almost everyone is free. and the team must be pretty desperate. I mean, c'mon.. i suck at sports...
Here is being realy gloomy and nice it's awesome! rain's a bitch but it's a small price to pay for this weather. XD
also i signed up for a volunteer program for the upcoming beerfest. There is a page on facebook. look it up. Okay, so there is 9 shifts yea, i was on 5/9 then i went for the meeting suddenly i was reduced to 3 then now... only 2.. Jeez. i want the name of the person who said i can't do my job. Ah well, experience, experience. but i signed up for the night shift i thought would be fun/interesting to see how it is loke working at the bar at night but they gave mine away... noo....damn it. But next week, (week 6), my reading week, i'll help out by mixing flavour vodkas apparenlt. so.. but if they give me the task of washing up only, someone's going to get it.
anyways, dinner now. some other time yea? bai bai!
Here is being realy gloomy and nice it's awesome! rain's a bitch but it's a small price to pay for this weather. XD
also i signed up for a volunteer program for the upcoming beerfest. There is a page on facebook. look it up. Okay, so there is 9 shifts yea, i was on 5/9 then i went for the meeting suddenly i was reduced to 3 then now... only 2.. Jeez. i want the name of the person who said i can't do my job. Ah well, experience, experience. but i signed up for the night shift i thought would be fun/interesting to see how it is loke working at the bar at night but they gave mine away... noo....damn it. But next week, (week 6), my reading week, i'll help out by mixing flavour vodkas apparenlt. so.. but if they give me the task of washing up only, someone's going to get it.
anyways, dinner now. some other time yea? bai bai!
argh! i so need sleep! sleep deprived for about a week now... wee... look at that pretty black cloud in my room.. No idea why i am having so much trouble sleeping. if it's a 2/3am thing it's fine.. i mean going out at night is pretty much the same thing. Problem is, that it is a 4/5/6am thing. for about a week now. I am screwed. been nodding off in class but amzingly still absorbing and writing notes. (I AM AWESOME! XD) I don't do much before bed or anything. I even have taken to exercising to tire myself out. Lastly, i have resorted to studying then as well. (gasp!) but no luck.. gah! predicting will crash soon if not.
Okay, a few updates since my last post i supposed. It's been hard to keep track of time and all, what with the dark gloomy clouds (:3) and the (OMG) 5.30 dinners! So, it's going to revert back and forth yea? let's see. Am home right now at about 3pm because lecture got cancelled. Woohoo! Should be doing something productive but no...
*bunnies* before changing the subject : on saturday 2am, the clocks here rewinded back an hour because of day light saving time.. how cool is that?! An extra hour to party!!! lol. Friday i went to a bop with a couple of classmates.. not too bad.. met someone nice before leaving. It sounds bad but i don't even know who he was. we just talked and danced. We managed to talk about uni, weather, hall life, clothes (some guys were wearing bras [initiation/dress up - THEME = Cops & Robbers]) and yet somehow, names never came up... strange. Saturday, because it was a mutual frens bday, we went out for a bit to a terrible place. Well, it wasn't terrible just that company around were horrible people that should be shot and left alive but no rescue coming. The other people who were out. Not the people i went with. Then sunday, wasn't much. went for curry for a birthday treat and pretty much it. caught up with some work and erm.. yea.. Monday today, went for one seminar in the morning, then lect is cancelled so here i am!
Right, the one thing i want to post before my beloved machinary that i am typing on broke down, was that some london band bass player guy came up and talked to me.. wee.. the sad thing i realize, that is pretty much the highlight of my life. well, second, after meeting all my friends. :) (love you guys!) XD APART from that depressing fact, so here is what happened. Comments later!
Afternoon, i was walking by the Student Union (SU), where they hold gigs, with a fren of mine who was on the phone. Because i was being ignored, noticed these three guys walking like parallel from us and suddenly, one guy cuts across, gradually like nomal people when you want move faster in front, and goes, " oh sorry, that was so rude?" i stared at him blankly *blink blink*, "Sorry?" He points out that he crossed us and it was rude to do so. I was, 'O~kay, it's fine. You probably have to do it again, your mates are that side." He does as predicted and goes, "Look, i did it again. Sorry." I was like "err.. i know."
So are you both from around here? Students?"
Since my friend conviently stopped as well, i went "yea. Freshers (what a word!). But i'm not a home student. She is though. *points*" "
"I see . SO where are you from?" leans over a pole. and i'm thinking, "JESS HELP HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS?!"
"Malaysia." pause. *thinks* "Which part of UK are you from. Down south?"
*Surprised* "yea. Oh, i thought you might have been local. Don't sound to chinese. Sorry if that offends you."
"*shrug* Are you a fresher as well?"
"me? You're right. I'm from london. I'm in the band playing tonight. for 'some-famous-manchester-thingy' [<-- he said something but it's only famous if i know about it. So there] i shook my head and went "sorry never heard bout it'" he was rather shock. it was funny.
I asked out of politeness, " what band are you in? oh. it's **. Heard of it?"
*shakes my head* I think i managed to break his self esteem and confidence just like that. It was rather funny his shocked face.
"So does that mean you're not coming for tonight?" *shakes head* "ah. i was looking forward meeting you again."
"i shrugged. "depends if i have company to go with.. (helo! it's a gig!)
"I'll be there." *turns hear mates calling him. "Well, i gtg. So, hope i see you here tonight?"
"we'll have to see. Good luck for your gig!"
BOTH EXITS.
Coulnd't resist. wrote a play like format before realising. sorry. if by this time you have fallen asleep. see! i put people to see with my boring ness while i can't fall asleep. grr.. right. two people here, after relating the story to them, asked.. 'was he drunk?" !!!!!!!!! HELL he better not be. but reluctantly and all, i agree with most other opnions that is was mainly for promotional value. *dush!* DEPRESSION!!! I have no right to say i canot go to a gi alone because, boys and girls, i am going to see 3oh!3 live here, in manchester. woo hoo!! tickets weren't too bad. about 6 ringgit (using the convertion rate of 5.something -6) anyways, i'm off now. next post will tell about the things/ societies i joined or tried to at least. i have taken to doing random walks around the area around my hall. :) yes, it is dangerous. :) nte nite! mucho lucks for exams and assignments and all! miss ya all so so much!
Okay, a few updates since my last post i supposed. It's been hard to keep track of time and all, what with the dark gloomy clouds (:3) and the (OMG) 5.30 dinners! So, it's going to revert back and forth yea? let's see. Am home right now at about 3pm because lecture got cancelled. Woohoo! Should be doing something productive but no...
*bunnies* before changing the subject : on saturday 2am, the clocks here rewinded back an hour because of day light saving time.. how cool is that?! An extra hour to party!!! lol. Friday i went to a bop with a couple of classmates.. not too bad.. met someone nice before leaving. It sounds bad but i don't even know who he was. we just talked and danced. We managed to talk about uni, weather, hall life, clothes (some guys were wearing bras [initiation/dress up - THEME = Cops & Robbers]) and yet somehow, names never came up... strange. Saturday, because it was a mutual frens bday, we went out for a bit to a terrible place. Well, it wasn't terrible just that company around were horrible people that should be shot and left alive but no rescue coming. The other people who were out. Not the people i went with. Then sunday, wasn't much. went for curry for a birthday treat and pretty much it. caught up with some work and erm.. yea.. Monday today, went for one seminar in the morning, then lect is cancelled so here i am!
Right, the one thing i want to post before my beloved machinary that i am typing on broke down, was that some london band bass player guy came up and talked to me.. wee.. the sad thing i realize, that is pretty much the highlight of my life. well, second, after meeting all my friends. :) (love you guys!) XD APART from that depressing fact, so here is what happened. Comments later!
Afternoon, i was walking by the Student Union (SU), where they hold gigs, with a fren of mine who was on the phone. Because i was being ignored, noticed these three guys walking like parallel from us and suddenly, one guy cuts across, gradually like nomal people when you want move faster in front, and goes, " oh sorry, that was so rude?" i stared at him blankly *blink blink*, "Sorry?" He points out that he crossed us and it was rude to do so. I was, 'O~kay, it's fine. You probably have to do it again, your mates are that side." He does as predicted and goes, "Look, i did it again. Sorry." I was like "err.. i know."
So are you both from around here? Students?"
Since my friend conviently stopped as well, i went "yea. Freshers (what a word!). But i'm not a home student. She is though. *points*" "
"I see . SO where are you from?" leans over a pole. and i'm thinking, "JESS HELP HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS?!"
"Malaysia." pause. *thinks* "Which part of UK are you from. Down south?"
*Surprised* "yea. Oh, i thought you might have been local. Don't sound to chinese. Sorry if that offends you."
"*shrug* Are you a fresher as well?"
"me? You're right. I'm from london. I'm in the band playing tonight. for 'some-famous-manchester-thingy' [<-- he said something but it's only famous if i know about it. So there] i shook my head and went "sorry never heard bout it'" he was rather shock. it was funny.
I asked out of politeness, " what band are you in? oh. it's **. Heard of it?"
*shakes my head* I think i managed to break his self esteem and confidence just like that. It was rather funny his shocked face.
"So does that mean you're not coming for tonight?" *shakes head* "ah. i was looking forward meeting you again."
"i shrugged. "depends if i have company to go with.. (helo! it's a gig!)
"I'll be there." *turns hear mates calling him. "Well, i gtg. So, hope i see you here tonight?"
"we'll have to see. Good luck for your gig!"
BOTH EXITS.
Coulnd't resist. wrote a play like format before realising. sorry. if by this time you have fallen asleep. see! i put people to see with my boring ness while i can't fall asleep. grr.. right. two people here, after relating the story to them, asked.. 'was he drunk?" !!!!!!!!! HELL he better not be. but reluctantly and all, i agree with most other opnions that is was mainly for promotional value. *dush!* DEPRESSION!!! I have no right to say i canot go to a gi alone because, boys and girls, i am going to see 3oh!3 live here, in manchester. woo hoo!! tickets weren't too bad. about 6 ringgit (using the convertion rate of 5.something -6) anyways, i'm off now. next post will tell about the things/ societies i joined or tried to at least. i have taken to doing random walks around the area around my hall. :) yes, it is dangerous. :) nte nite! mucho lucks for exams and assignments and all! miss ya all so so much!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Okay, another short post because i'm trying to configure my computer... yes! it's back... all better with the new Windows 7... it's a cross between XP and Vista.. and no, i'm not trying to sell it...
okay, about this, is that, most of my photos are GONE because it was on my bad com... so..sorry bout that... but i have some pictures i will try to put on so check photobucket when can? maybe also facebook...
i feel slightly ashamed for seeming to use FB so much.. LITERALLY EVERYONE HERE uses FB.. WHY???? what happened to the good old times when people just talked face to face? huh?
My course isn't going too badly.. wish i knew what they are talking about half the time.. hahaha.. am trying am trying... been out to an unofficial social.. to a club! so no longer a 'club virgin'! haha but haven't been drinking. yay me.... so this closed a couple of gaps in with my frens in the course but still there is a 'jurang?'
also, then it's been weird.. you know how you always see the international students.. it's strange, at least for me, to be in their shoes now... strange... It has been kinda strange because like.. since i don't know the type of shows or bands they are talking about, or even the type of drinks or anything, it's a bit hard.. but i'm trying. *still smiling*
~FUDGE! i just realize, picts from the KL outing is also gone! FUDGE!!!!~ AHHH!!! crud.. well, take one give one... .. grrr....
okay, about this, is that, most of my photos are GONE because it was on my bad com... so..sorry bout that... but i have some pictures i will try to put on so check photobucket when can? maybe also facebook...
i feel slightly ashamed for seeming to use FB so much.. LITERALLY EVERYONE HERE uses FB.. WHY???? what happened to the good old times when people just talked face to face? huh?
My course isn't going too badly.. wish i knew what they are talking about half the time.. hahaha.. am trying am trying... been out to an unofficial social.. to a club! so no longer a 'club virgin'! haha but haven't been drinking. yay me.... so this closed a couple of gaps in with my frens in the course but still there is a 'jurang?'
also, then it's been weird.. you know how you always see the international students.. it's strange, at least for me, to be in their shoes now... strange... It has been kinda strange because like.. since i don't know the type of shows or bands they are talking about, or even the type of drinks or anything, it's a bit hard.. but i'm trying. *still smiling*
~FUDGE! i just realize, picts from the KL outing is also gone! FUDGE!!!!~ AHHH!!! crud.. well, take one give one... .. grrr....
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I want my COMPUTER BACK!!!!!!!!
Hey there! My computer is STILL NOT with me... so sorry for the far few updates. Will get the 'diagnosed' computer this friday. Not inclusive of the 'repaired' version. Shoot! Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn! soo angry. Boo everyone. So for the meantime, to entertain myself, i have taken to disturbing my floormates with everychance i get. Now, i have about half an hour before my next class. it's about 3.30pm now. shouldn't be too late there now should it? anyways, gah.. it's ao weird. Imagine a hot day, well, decently hot comparative to malaysia, and then accompanied with the coldest wind.. i mean what the.. you want to put your hand to your face to block the sun but it's too chilly to raise it... lol. anyways, you guys take care okay. I have pictures but no computer.. so.. sorry guys... have to wait for it. Miss you all. All the best!!!
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